Vulnerability

Read to the end of this post if you want a feel good tip for Spring …..

Recently, I went to an hour and a half, candlelight, yoga practice. 

It was a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon at 4:00 and I figured that the class would be packed. 
I got there about 20 minutes early and secured a place on the 2nd row between the lines of demarcation.

When you enter the studio, your senses reacclimate.  
The room is darkened, hot and eerily quiet, except for the rustling of yogis laying out their mats, towels, straps, water bottles – stretching, breathing and starting to move inward – setting intentions for their practice.

For anyone who does not practice yoga, you are asked to leave your
keys, phone, shoes and other personal items in a cubby-hole outside of the room.
You are also encouraged to leave the chaos of your life and your ego at the front door.

I hadn’t been in several weeks and knew that it was going to be a challenge. 

Thank God the lights are low, because I don’t make a big effort with the yoga attire, hair or make-up and I generally wear my glasses. 
I take them off during the entire practice so that I can’t clearly see myself in the mirror, and like the emperor who wore no clothes, I pretend that no one else can see me. 

My guess, by the sleek silhouettes in the room, is that I am an elder.  
I’m not one of the superstars, which is OK with me, because I’ve already locked my ego in the car.

“The willingness to show up changes us; it makes us a little braver each time.”
Brene Brown,
Daring Greatly:How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Yoga is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

“Vulnerability is not for the weak hearted.  
It requires deep inner strength to admit what you don’t know, what you can’t do well, what scares you and what hurts you.
How do we develop the strength to stand in our vulnerability?  
On our yoga mats, we learn to honor it.  When we embrace vulnerability wholeheartedly, we discover a strength we did not know we had.  
As we attempt to do a posture that seems impossible or scary, once we set aside our ego, and stop struggling to get it right, we surprise ourselves and nail a pose we’ve never done before.  
We discover that accepting our vulnerability helps us create a boundary.  
We don’t push too hard, or go too far, which keeps us safe.”
(Dr. Gail Parker’s Blog – Taking Yoga Off Your Mat)

Relative to mothering addiction –

“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running away from it.  Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.  
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of the light.”
Brene Brown

I am drawn to other people who are willing to expose their vulnerabilities.

I, too, am learning to expose my own vulnerabilities in yoga and now, 
in my writing.

PS – 
Now that spring is here, pull up Feeling Good, by Michael Buble, in your music library.  
Raise the windows in your house or lower the windows in your car, press play on your music device, turn up the volume and let er rip……   

 
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"The Work"

Earlier this week, I went to Pat for a semi-annual tune up.

In the December 11, 2012 post, Team Therapy and Tuckers, I talked about the tag-teaming efforts of my counselor, Pat, and her husband, an outstanding psychiatrist,  Dr. Martin Buxton.

I hit the jack pot with these two, but also give myself a lot of credit. They gave me the tools to do the work. And I’m still working hard at it — everyday.

A considerable focus of our work was learning to set healthy boundaries. The word, boundary, can have a negative connotation, but in fact, boundaries are vital to our well-constructed personal development.

Lorne Ladner, in The Lost Art of Compassion, says that boundaries are analogous to the stakes and wire used to help keep young trees firmly planted, growing sturdy and straight. Not too slack and not too tight.
However, we need to become proficient at knowing when to apply boundaries and when to relax them.

“Setting boundaries involves being honest and direct with others, even if they don’t want to hear what we have to say. It involves protecting and taking care of ourselves. It’s important for our sense of self-respect.
Where we set personal boundaries is an individual decision,” Ladner states.

Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: physical, mental and emotional. Check out Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

An amazing sense of calm accompanies a healthy boundary setting epiphany.
It feels really good.

“The Work” works.

 

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Another Recent Trend

This article is lengthy, but well worth the read.
One of the Board members of JHW Foundation, emailed it to me.
I swear I’m not getting a kickback from Dr. Levine, but her book 
is mentioned here, too.

http://m.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/03/the-existential-pain-of-being-young-white-and-affluent/273471/


  


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The Wedge

At-risk children can drive a wedge between their parents with the precision of a martial artist… 

When faced with the add-on trials and tribulations of parenting an at-risk child, 
the most intact marriages can creak and moan under the pressure.  
Marriages that are already coming unravelled may often dissolve. 

The wedge is driven deeper over time to include relationships between
parents of the at-risk child and their family and friends… and on and on ….  
This wedge can also take the form of gradual isolation. 

Isolation and secrets – Secrets and Half Truths, January 26, 2013 post.  
  

In 2 New Normals, my December 5, 2012 post, I mentioned one of my favorite, spot-on, thought-provoking, reference books, The Price of Privilege, 
by Madeline Levine, Ph.D.  
It speaks to so many current cultural issues of parenting.  
Levine elaborates upon so many of my experiences while co-parenting an addict.

Conflicts are not only with the child but with the parents themselves.

Levine says, “We all start out hoping to be terrific parents, and then any one 
of a number of things get in our way: a temperamental child, a difficult spouse, our own history, a demanding job, the community we live in.”

Psychologists and psychiatrists agree to – 
“a lack of firm limit-setting as one of the major contributors to adolescent
dysfunction”.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to squeeze it back in.

“It’s easier on both parents and kids when parents have developed a general discipline strategy, one that is clear, firm and fair and that eliminates endless discussions about what is and isn’t okay in your particular household. 

We will also have moments of absolutely hating our role as “bad cop”, as the parent who is paying attention, setting limits, defining consequences, and in the process, incurring our children’s anger.  
But this is part of the job and the price of parenting; and it is mandatory, 
for our own sanity, to acknowledge how demanding and difficult it can be”.

Skills for parenting an at-risk child do not come naturally to some – 
or most for that matter.  
It takes putting your pride in your pocket and reaching out for help.

Too often, a child suffers while the parents learn.

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